As fathers, we hold an unparalleled position in shaping the identities of our children, particularly our sons. These young boys, wide-eyed and eager, are constantly observing our every move, absorbing the essence of what it means to be a man with each passing moment spent in our presence. Our sons crave certain life-giving affirmations from us, much like a seedling thirst for water to flourish and grow. In the absence of biological fathers, they will inevitably seek out father figures to fill this void – for better or for worse.
My own son, a bright-eyed seven-year-old, never ceases to amaze me with his uncanny ability to retain the most intricate details when I least expect it. I see my own habits and mannerisms mirrored back to me through his actions and words. His greatest joy lies in the moments we spend together, tackling home projects side by side. Despite my own perceived shortcomings in the realm of handiness,
in his eyes, I am a master craftsman. As I patiently guide him through the use of various tools, gradually equipping his own toolbox, he listens intently, committing each safety rule to memory with unwavering focus and enthusiasm. It’s a humbling realization to know that he is absorbing every word I utter, etching them into his mind and heart – a beautiful, awe-inspiring, and somewhat daunting responsibility.
The Incomparable Influence of Fathers in the Early Years
A father’s presence, or lack thereof, wields an immeasurable power in the life of his son. Growing up in a neighborhood where many children were raised without the guidance of a father, I count myself fortunate to have had a dad who, despite his long work hours and limited availability during the week, never left me doubting his love for me. He stood as a beacon of hard work and dedication, tirelessly providing for our family. It wasn’t until much later that I truly grasped the profound blessing and advantage I had simply by having a father in my life.
A dear friend of mine, Ayinde, who shared a similar upbringing in the park Hill neighborhood, once shared with me the impact that having a present father had on his life. Unlike many of our peers who, in their search for paternal guidance, found themselves drawn into the clutches of gangs, Ayinde and I were shielded from such vulnerabilities by the mere presence of our fathers.
For a more intimate glimpse into my own father and the experiences that shaped my childhood, I invite you to explore a couple of my poems: “Park Hill Son” and “Father’s Touch.”
The undeniable truth remains: fathers possess an immeasurable capacity for good or harm in the lives of their sons. In the following paragraphs, I will delve into three essential messages that your son needs to hear from you, guiding him on the path to healthy and balanced manhood.
1. “I Love You, Son”
At its core, love in its purest form is selfless. It is a genuine concern for another’s well-being, irrespective of what they can offer in return. True love is not contingent upon the worthiness of the recipient, nor does it demand to be earned through performance. It is a constant, unwavering sentiment, conveyed through both words and actions.
My own father, raised in a tumultuous environment by a single, disinterested mother in the heart of urban Chicago, had few positive role models to emulate. Despite this, he has consistently, throughout my entire life, expressed his love for me without hesitation. The three simple words, “I love you,” have never been a struggle for him to utter, a trait that sets him apart from many men of his generation who grapple with verbal affection toward their sons.
Perhaps the prevailing belief among men of that era was that expressing love was a sign of weakness, fostering a lack of resilience or softness in their offspring. Or perhaps they were taught that such expressions were superfluous, that a father’s hard work and provision were sufficient demonstrations of love.
Love as a Shield Against Insecurity
The truth, however, is that love left unspoken can breed insecurity in a son’s heart, leaving him uncertain of his father’s affection. A father’s unwavering love serves as a cornerstone – a vital nutrient that nourishes a young boy’s soul, much like water sustains a budding plant. It lays the foundation for a secure and healthy sense of self.
Sons need to know, with unwavering certainty, that their fathers love them. They need to understand that a father’s love is not a prize to be won, but an inherent birthright. They need the assurance that this love is steadfast, unshakeable, and unconditional. This knowledge alone is one of the most significant building blocks of a robust and healthy identity.
I say this with the acknowledgment that many of us have grown up without fathers or with fathers who have inflicted deep wounds. I do not intend to condemn anyone to hopelessness because they were deprived of these essential elements. Life has a remarkable way of providing for us, often through the most unexpected avenues and sources.
The Ultimate Love
One of my most cherished passages in scripture reads, “When my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will take me up.” There were countless lessons that my imperfect, often absent, hardworking father was unable to impart. Undoubtedly, there were areas in which his actions or inactions left scars. All earthly fathers are flawed, save for one. Whatever my earthly father lacked, my Heavenly Father has graciously provided.
We all have access to an infinite wellspring of fatherly love from above, a love that strengthens, restores, and heals us. This divine love empowers us to love our sons more fully and deeply than we ourselves were loved.
Tell your son you love him, and tell him often. In fact, stop reading this right now and go express your love to him. Your mission as a father is to build him up to unimaginable heights, creating a mountain of unshakeable love beneath his feet. Your son needs to hear that you love him, and I firmly believe that there is no such thing as saying it too often.
2. “I’m Proud of You, Son”
The memory is seared into my mind like a permanent brand. It was the night of my high school graduation. As I stepped off the stage, I found myself face to face with my father. His eyes, usually so stoic, softened with the glimmer of tears. He gazed at me as if he were witnessing something breathtaking and wondrous, something I couldn’t quite see myself.
“I’m proud of you, son,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. Never before had he uttered those words with such depth of feeling. I could see that he was profoundly moved, that his words were a genuine reflection of his heart. Those words bypassed my ears and my mind, embedding themselves directly into my soul.
Few things possess the power to fortify a son’s spirit like those words, spoken with sincerity. Your son needs to hear that you are proud of him. You want your son to grow into a man of strength and confidence, a man with a sturdy backbone. You desire for him to be a person of substance in a world often characterized by frivolity and confusion. While you don’t want to coddle him, you understand the importance of building him up.
Certainly, it is your duty to challenge him and hold him to a high standard. But as with all things, there are perils in the extremes. If you accept and tolerate everything without discernment, you risk raising a son with no boundaries or self-control. Conversely, if you withhold your approval to an excessive degree, you may cultivate an insecure son who strives to the point of breaking, unable to find rest.
Give your son the gift of knowing that his father takes pleasure in who he is, not just what he accomplishes. Tell him and show him, through your words and actions, that you are proud of him.
Seeking the Good in Your Son
I have a dear friend named Matt, a man who possesses the most gentle and nurturing heart of any individual I know. As I grappled with this section, I posed a question to him that I believe resonates with many fathers: “What if I’m not proud of my son? What if he makes poor choices? Wouldn’t it be insincere and deceptive to express pride in him if, deep down, I don’t truly feel it?”
Matt pondered this for a moment, but his response came swiftly and with surprising depth. “As a father, it’s your full-time job to seek out the things in your children that are worthy of praise. Every child possesses qualities that merit pride. It’s the responsibility of fathers to actively look for those qualities and call attention to them.”
If you find yourself unable to identify anything in your son that elicits a sense of pride, the issue lies not with your son, but with your own perception. Your son may have significant flaws and shortcomings, but we are not defined solely by our weaknesses. Imagine if God, in His perfection, chose to focus exclusively on our failings. No soul would survive the day – we would all be reduced to ashes. In a world where the masses constantly seek validation through likes, shares, and views, people are desperately grasping for a sense of self-worth.
The Image of God
In a society like ours, the message of unconditional human value – the Imago Dei – is more crucial than ever. All individuals are created equal, and the Creator has endowed each person with inherent gifts, worth, and purpose. Your son needs a safe haven where he can breathe easily, knowing that his value is not entirely contingent upon his stellar performance, but rather on who he is at his core. He needs someone who will invest the time to excavate the depths of his being, unearthing the hidden treasures and gems that the Lord has uniquely placed within him.
And herein lies the key: to truly be proud of your son, you must take the time to know him intimately. This may prove challenging, as it’s likely that your son is still in the process of discovering himself. Part of your role as a father is to guide him in uncovering the precious and wonderful creation that God has fearfully and wonderfully made him to be. It’s all too easy to fixate on the flaws and shortcomings of others, especially our sons. If we’re honest, the stakes feel higher with our sons because their failures can feel like a reflection of our own inadequacies as fathers.
But to be exceptional fathers, we must release the need for control. Our sons are not ours to mold like clay into the shapes of our preferences. They are ours to explore, to discover, to coach, and to guide. They are ours to affirm, to love, and to correct with compassion.
Look at your son. Right now. Stop reading and take a moment to truly see him. Make it your mission to become the expert on all that is praiseworthy within him. Keep those qualities at the forefront of your mind, ready to articulate them at a moment’s notice. He needs you to see him, to really see him, and to be the narrator of the goodness and virtue that you witness. He needs to hear that you are proud of him.
3. “I’m Sorry, Son”
We are imperfect beings, prone to causing harm and making mistakes. The first step towards humility is acknowledging this truth. Life has a way of teaching us not to place too much trust in our own perfection, to avoid relying too heavily on our own righteousness. Our failures serve as our greatest teachers.
As fathers, we will inevitably fall short in our families, likely on a daily basis. This can manifest in various ways, from snapping at our children with harsh annoyance to misjudging a situation, yelling, or a myriad of other missteps. We strive to raise sons who are humble and self-aware, not stubborn and conceited. We want them to be open to reason and receptive to constructive criticism, not rigid and dogmatic about their own rightness.
As fathers, we have a tremendous opportunity to lead by example. Rest assured, the opportunity to do so will present itself sooner than you think. When you make your next mistake and take radical responsibility for it, know that your actions carry immense weight, even if the impact is not immediately visible.
The Art of an Effective Apology
Be quick to recognize when you are in the wrong. Be specific about where you went astray. Apologize without any qualifications, disclaimers, or attempts to assign blame. You know what I mean. An apology is not the place for self-defense or justification. Avoid saying things like, “I’m sorry, but you just made me so frustrated.” No one can make you frustrated – you are responsible for your own emotional state. It’s also not a platform for you to elicit an apology from the other person.
Refrain from following your apology with statements like, “Did you have anything you wanted to say to me?” A genuine apology is a space for radical, unqualified responsibility for your own actions, without any mention of the other person’s wrongdoings. You are in control of your own behavior, and when you fall short, it’s never anyone else’s fault, even if they “started it.” You can have a separate conversation about the other person’s shortcomings, but it should not be part of your apology. Invite your son into the practice of radical responsibility by demonstrating a willingness to take full ownership of your own missteps. Model the change you wish to see.
By doing so, you are imparting a powerful and essential lesson. You are teaching your son that it is human to make mistakes, and that it’s okay to be human. If you, as a strong, intelligent, and capable father, can admit to being wrong, then perhaps it’s also acceptable for your son to be wrong and not be so averse to the possibility.
Cultivating Patience with Our Sons
Few things trigger me more than when my son adamantly refuses to acknowledge the error of his ways. My son, Jadon, is by far the most loving, sensitive, and compassionate little boy I have ever encountered. Yet, he also possesses a streak of his father’s self-righteousness. There are rare instances when it seems impossible to get him to take responsibility for even the most blatant of poor choices. He erects a wall of defensiveness and justification, which infuriates me to no end. More often than I care to admit, I compound his wrongdoing with my own harshness.
The best outcomes occur when I am able to remain patient and composed. It is possible to administer justice and consequences while maintaining a posture of gentleness and reconciliation. It is possible to gently and persistently invite him into the restorative waters of responsibility. So often, the act that seems so daunting – the simple act of taking responsibility and expressing remorse – is the very thing that brings immediate healing, restoration, and peace. The water is quite warm when you join the rest of us as flawed, fallible, and broken human beings who make mistakes. It is the resistance to this truth that is so incredibly stressful and exhausting.
When I lose my patience and composure with him, it presents an opportunity for me to model the very behavior I am asking of him. I apologize without qualification for my harshness. It’s challenging, believe me, because my inner sense of fairness screams, “How can you apologize? He started it!” I do my best to silence that inner voice, say a prayer, and feel the sharp pain of humility piercing my heart. “I’m sorry, son. Daddy was too harsh.”
Not always, but almost always, this is the moment when things begin to shift. His tight, angry face starts to soften. He dries his hot, angry tears. And sometimes, just sometimes, without any prompting from me, he apologizes too. He’s learning. And this is a profoundly difficult lesson for humans to grasp.
Be quick to apologize to your son, and be authentic in your apology. Show him the path to releasing the burden of rightness and perfection from his own shoulders, demonstrating that it’s okay to be wrong, to acknowledge it, to take responsibility, and to move forward.
The Awe-Inspiring Power of a Father
I believe that one of the reasons fathers can inflict such deep wounds on their children is that they fail to comprehend the immense power they wield in their children’s lives. Even when kids rebel, detach, or outwardly appear to be independent of their fathers’ opinions, there is another story unfolding beneath the surface. At their core, sons are wired to crave the love and affection of their fathers. I believe this is a reflection, a blueprint, of our deepest and most fundamental need for the love of God.
A father has the potential to be an incredibly vibrant, detailed, and colorful illustration of God in the life of his son. However, this power can also be incredibly destructive when wielded by fathers who are oblivious to the tremendous responsibility that accompanies it.
Dad, your words hold tremendous power. Use them to build up your son. Harness the full potential of your words and be generous with them. Tell him you love him often. Invest the time to know him deeply and to call out the good that you see within him. Demonstrate humility by being quick to apologize when you are in the wrong. I don’t think